Shadows And Veins by Jeanine E. Bassett

Author:Jeanine E. Bassett [Bassett, Jeanine E.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781462069071
Publisher: iUniverse
Published: 2012-01-18T00:00:00+00:00

Daniel continued to come over, and I continued to have sex with him. He continued to leave when we were done, and I assumed, continued to spend time with Lorie. We didn’t talk about either his relationship with me, or with her, or anyone else who might have been in his picture. He certainly didn’t volunteer and I didn’t ask, but I kept hoping that I’d win what I saw as a contest for his time and attention.

As confused as I was about Jamil, my relationship with him felt like my breath or my heartbeat—something that just was, not something that I thought about in relation to Daniel. In my mind, we were close to separated, though neither of us had said the words. I had slipped into confusion about what was real and what was a fantasy, whether fueled by the methamphetamine, or my own fears about speaking the truth. Jamil was real. I lived in his home; his shirts were in the closet, his picture on the wall. I used his last name when paying our bills and spoke to his mother several times a month. But I was sleeping with Daniel and was in that dangerous place of mistaking good sex for love; and I wanted a declaration from him, an intent, something to hang on to.

“So I’m really having strong feelings for you, Daniel,” I finally said one evening in my kitchen, in Jamil’s kitchen. “As in, I could almost say ‘I love you.’”

He was silent a little too long.

“Annette,” he finally said, in his deep and distinctive voice, “I do care for you but I’m very careful with my words. Once something is said, it is in the universe and takes on a life of its own.”

I must’ve looked puzzled because he walked over to where I stood at the sink and put his arms on my shoulders.

“I promise you one thing,” he said. “I may not tell you that I love you, but I promise to tell you when I stop.”

That wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear, but it made sense in an odd sort of way. A lot of what Daniel said made sense, in an odd way, like his explanation of sleeping with both Lorie and me.

“Love isn’t a commodity,” he explained that evening. “Affection and pleasure aren’t exclusive to one person. My having a connection with someone else has no bearing on my connection with you.”

I had a hard time with that one, but really, really wanted to be a free spirit, the kind of woman Daniel would want to be with. But his philosophy made no sense in my world. I hadn’t been faithful to either Eddie or Jamil, but I had intended to be. In my little and warped vision of life, fidelity mattered.

But, with Daniel I aimed for cool and groovy. Cool and groovy. I did everything I could to seem cool and groovy. Until the phone rang a week later.

“Hello Annette. It’s Daniel. I need to ask something of you.

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